When we do not like our therapist anymore ☹ Transference Issues Part 2.

We tend to be a very happy client until our therapist challenges us, they tell us things we do not want to hear, for example we could be told that we have to do the work to change and if we want specific results, we may be asked to be honest with ourselves… It is sometimes and usually very hard to hear. Our therapist will still appear kind and emphatic, but we may like them less as they do not seem to see things our way all the time. This all happens as the therapist has a nonjudgmental, emphatic stance and at the beginning builds trust and good rapport with the client. Later, however they should do their job and enable the client to gain more insight, see broader view of the problem and how they may contribute to themselves being stack. It is a hard experience, to hear it and we do not like it. No matter how kindly it is presented by our therapists. We project onto our therapist our previous experiences with people especially in the authoritative figure. They may play a role of “our parent”, “an elder” or a “kind friend” in our psyche and we incorporate them into our life that way… therefore it is not a surprise that when we feel more comfortable with them, we can act out our frustrations, and challenges. This is called transference and it is used therapeutically by a therapist to help you. Therapist in fact experiences their own counter-transference and has to be aware of it. This relationship helps the client to practice and resolve our challenges that can be then taken out to the world outside the session. A good therapist should be able to manage transference relationships well to benefit the client and to help them resolve conflicts and struggles. The client hopefully will work through their challenges and feel better and see and appreciate their growth with the therapist. Therapists are only human, they can be vulnerable, their lives are not perfect. They often feel strongest in their work.

When I really like my therapist😊 - Transference Issues Part 1.

This information will make most sense when we are already engaged in the therapy process and this knowledge may help to understand our surprising feelings. In the beginning of the sessions when we like our therapist and we feel they are the right fit for us, we usually “love them” and idolize them, we think they are great, someone finally get us, understands, has empathy and compassion. What a lovely experience, we feel better we are happier. We think very highly about our therapist what a great human being, they are so noble, caring and wise, almost superhuman. This is a beginning of a therapeutic relationship and it is important. We need to respect and like our therapist to influence and to help us maneuver through our life’s challenges. We also project our expectations and ideas of who we think our therapist is, we often give them superpowers and think they are very special and exceptional. This is called transference. It is very helpful to therapy work. It gives us motivation and helps us be accountable for our work. It is normal that we forget in this relationship centered on the client, that our time is limited and we are the customer. We are paying our therapist to work for us. And in this contained relationship and with their right training, it is easy to for a therapist to appear wonderful. After all, we contract to give them power to help us. Therapists are only human, they should try to do their best work, be caring and emphatic, outside of therapy sessions however, they have their own lives, struggles and full imperfect human experience.  At this time however we are a happy client we are open to work with our wonderful therapist.  Continued in the next part when we like our therapist less.

How do I choose the right psychotherapist?

The right “fit” with your therapist is as important as in any service but because psychotherapy is personal and deeply exploring client’s life it is paramount. There are many different providers and many different approaches to therapy therefore choosing right one can be confusing. I would encourage the client to “shop for a therapist” to ask the people they trust, who had good experience with a therapist and for more details of what made them suitable and effective. That helps to assess if they could work for you. Secondly, it is good to research your therapist, is she a regulated and a registered professional? In Ontario for example to do a psychotherapy outside of Medicine (for example psychiatry), Social Work and Psychology which have their own regulatory colleges, therapists need to be registered with the College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario. These governing bodies make sure that the therapists are qualified to do psychotherapy (they should at least have Masters Degree in Psychotherapy training), as well as they provide continuing quality assurance and professional development standards. That way the psychotherapists are verified and staying on top of their profession. Thirdly it is good to look at their work, and see if it appeals to the client, the easiest way is to look up therapist’s website or many therapists are registered with Psychology Today online service. It is good to see their picture, and think if “would I be able to sit and talk with this person, do they appear friendly and would I feel comfortable with them”?

Some additional questions to ask yourself:

Do I have preference if they are male or female?

Are they more conservative in their training and approaches?

Or do I prefer someone more experiential and  creative?
Do their areas of expertise match my challenges which I want to bring to the sessions?

Do I prefer someone older or not?

Am I in agreement with how they charge for the sessions?

I recommend calling them, the initial contact on the phone can tell you a lot about the “fit”; do they have the right voice, enough empathy? Do you like them? Do they seem caring and interested in you? If it all goes well and they seem fitting we have a green light to setup the first session. In the first session we want to finalize a decision if that will be the right “fit”. Having done our homework there should not be a lot of surprises, but we can still explore it further, does the session including the office space, makes us feel comfortable to be doing therapy work? Does it all feel right? Can we relax and trust the psychotherapist? The way they tackle the problems, does it work for us? We are starting a new journey and establishing a rapport with our therapist (therapeutic relationship), it is uniquely one-sided for us and it needs to feel that we are most important and centered at the time of our session. After the first session, we may have questions about the way psychotherapy works and how our therapist works specifically with our presenting problem, and when these are answered, it is good to make a decision, of course we can always change our therapist or terminate our therapy, but we want to be careful not to invest too much into a therapy that does not work for us. We may feel uncomfortable at times, as it is hard to discuss deep life challenges with a new person, but overall we want to feel good that we are doing the work to grow and change our life. It is a process and there are no quick fixes, but with the therapist that we like and trust, the process will unfold and we will notice changing and learning, we will get better.

When is the right time to see a psychotherapist?

If you scroll down to see older posts on this blog, I talk about the type of sessions I offer and how psychotherapy works. This time, I wanted to quickly explain when it is the right time to see a therapist. I decided to talk about it because sometimes I receive calls and questions but no committing to making an appointment, and then calls again. I know that it is normal when people are “shopping” for the right therapist, and I think it is very important to find the right fit, a therapist who shows alignment with the way the client prefers to address their issues as well as if she presents likeable and comfortably suitable. This “fit” may be another topic to discuss. Here, though I wanted to discuss when the client is ready to come in. The answer is simple; when they attempted to solve the problem, deal with their struggles on their own and with other resources and have not been successful. It is not always necessary to see a therapist, we have lots of individual strengths to cope with adversities, and there are other supports out there such as friends, groups, elders, self-help resources; they may all work to help with our problems and even fully resolve them. However sometimes there is time when after trying and being with the situation for some time the problems are persisting, there is a lot of associated suffering, when it feels that more help is needed and it feels overwhelming, then it is good to seek professional help from a therapist. For psychotherapy to work the client needs to make good report with the therapist, trust that they can help them and be able to think and process thinking patterns (in verbal therapy). We are trained to help people with adversities, we have more resources and most importantly we offer therapeutic process to help you make changes to manage your life better. At the same time, it is best not to wait until things are feeling completely broken as it makes psychotherapy harder and longer. One important example for special consideration is marriage counselling, when couples wait for too long and come about 5 years too late, when they are not in a relationship anymore. It is a journey to get to the right therapist but the help is here and life can change for the better.

Yes, I work at the “church”, but it is only a historic building

Just wanted to clarify that the church called First United where I offer my psychotherapy sessions is an old location for the united Christian congregation. There are no more religious services. This space is rented to many different groups and programs. I chose it for my practice because of a great location in Port Credit, that it is unique, spacious and interesting; and most importantly it is very peaceful and private. I want to emphasize that I welcome people of all faiths and backgrounds. I like the asset of the old chapel with the stain windows where I can sit in peace with my clients and do our work.

sometimes you need a kaleidoscope